Let's play at possibilities and make reality a game.
Thursday, 25 February 2010
calm yoself foo'!
today I realised I have upset shoulders , well not upset exactly, just very stressed. They've been really hurting me recently and I was wondering what's up when it finally clicked - I sit there, all day long with my shoulders up around my ears. I can't say i've felt very overworked or tired lately, but maybe my body has? I get stomach aches a lot, my eyes are red and theres the angry shoulders. I think subconciously i'm a lot more bothered then I actually show.
Hm.
My body is in revolt, how very troubling. Looking forward to summer when all this kerfuffle is over once and for all. Weird to think though how five years of day in day out learning, working and improving will be judged by panic-filled 45 minute slots in the drafty school gymn. Under pressure, pushing down on me.
Oh whatever ;) It's practically the weekend and i'm sure a nice spot of drinking will put things right again. Wahey!
Hm.
My body is in revolt, how very troubling. Looking forward to summer when all this kerfuffle is over once and for all. Weird to think though how five years of day in day out learning, working and improving will be judged by panic-filled 45 minute slots in the drafty school gymn. Under pressure, pushing down on me.
Oh whatever ;) It's practically the weekend and i'm sure a nice spot of drinking will put things right again. Wahey!
Monday, 22 February 2010
AWOL
Now let's be quite honest shall we. I am the type of person who has her phone on her at all times, if at home I will be in all probability on facebook and msn (well what if I miss that-person-I-don't-know, liking that facebook-group-I-don't-give-a-shit-about?), I cannot last even a walk home from town without calling a friend and thrive on the other person saying 'hi, how r u? :)' first. Even though people spelling are just 'r' drives me demented, and my addiction to emoticons (yes that's the name for those little smiley things you make out of colons - who knew?) is sickening.
Keeping all this in mind I suprised even myself with the change that came over me late saturday morning. I took up the always-offer of going to my dads for the weekend. A whole weekend away from friends and facebook (well, there is internet but it is cringily awful) and just spent playing crappy xbox games with the brother and explaining anime films to papa payne. We drove past this girls secondary school 'woodford county high school', and my mouth literally dropped open. After seeing bishops, sir freds, stanborough, monks walk etc. I thought I had a pretty good idea of what a non-private secondary school looks like. I guess I was wrong:
To be quite honest that photo doesn't even do it justice. I think it is one of the most stunning places I have ever seen, and it is about three seconds from my dads house. You would think somewhere like this would be in the middle of nowhere, but walk out of the gates and across the road is a waitrose, and theres all your normal high street shops and a train station. It is bang in the middle of woodford, and yet it is so uncompromised. I don't know what has come over me, a big bitchslap of 'what if'? What if I had chosen to live with my dad, had ended up going to this school, like I would have done in that situation. As a person who on a whole doesn't have a lot of regrets, doesn't wish to be somebody else very often (well more often than usual), I can't help but feel an ache. An ache for this beautiful place which isn't a few minutes from a grotty subway where girls get kidnapped, or a huge asda, where you look out the window and there isn't a block of ugly flats with towels and old undies hanging out the window.
The sad thing is, I think I would give up everything I have now, my school and my friends (well pretty much, I could see everybody on weekends though I suppose) for this place. This place I have never entered, know only what can be gleaned from the website about. I'd even have to give up living with my mum.
Eight days. I have eight days to send off an application. Tick tock, tick tock.
On retrospect i've really gone off topic with this post! Blimey. All I was going to say was how my phones run out of battery (i'm not charging it, big fat case of the CBAs), only glimpsed at facebook and finding the idea of going on msn fairly repulsive. Thus the title of this post - AWOL. I am quite sure that in the unlikelihood anybody has noticed i'm missing, i'm sure they'll manage just fine. I've just suddenly had the strangest urge to just be alone. I suppose i'm lucky in the respect that accompanying this urge to be alone is one muvvafukka of a stomach bug - hello up all night with a fever and vomit. Oh yes, i'm sexy like that. I'll be back in school by tomorrow though i'm sure, got a lot to think about.
Until next time, au revoir mon cheris. Or whatever it is in that language I wish I speak.
Keeping all this in mind I suprised even myself with the change that came over me late saturday morning. I took up the always-offer of going to my dads for the weekend. A whole weekend away from friends and facebook (well, there is internet but it is cringily awful) and just spent playing crappy xbox games with the brother and explaining anime films to papa payne. We drove past this girls secondary school 'woodford county high school', and my mouth literally dropped open. After seeing bishops, sir freds, stanborough, monks walk etc. I thought I had a pretty good idea of what a non-private secondary school looks like. I guess I was wrong:
To be quite honest that photo doesn't even do it justice. I think it is one of the most stunning places I have ever seen, and it is about three seconds from my dads house. You would think somewhere like this would be in the middle of nowhere, but walk out of the gates and across the road is a waitrose, and theres all your normal high street shops and a train station. It is bang in the middle of woodford, and yet it is so uncompromised. I don't know what has come over me, a big bitchslap of 'what if'? What if I had chosen to live with my dad, had ended up going to this school, like I would have done in that situation. As a person who on a whole doesn't have a lot of regrets, doesn't wish to be somebody else very often (well more often than usual), I can't help but feel an ache. An ache for this beautiful place which isn't a few minutes from a grotty subway where girls get kidnapped, or a huge asda, where you look out the window and there isn't a block of ugly flats with towels and old undies hanging out the window.The sad thing is, I think I would give up everything I have now, my school and my friends (well pretty much, I could see everybody on weekends though I suppose) for this place. This place I have never entered, know only what can be gleaned from the website about. I'd even have to give up living with my mum.
Eight days. I have eight days to send off an application. Tick tock, tick tock.
On retrospect i've really gone off topic with this post! Blimey. All I was going to say was how my phones run out of battery (i'm not charging it, big fat case of the CBAs), only glimpsed at facebook and finding the idea of going on msn fairly repulsive. Thus the title of this post - AWOL. I am quite sure that in the unlikelihood anybody has noticed i'm missing, i'm sure they'll manage just fine. I've just suddenly had the strangest urge to just be alone. I suppose i'm lucky in the respect that accompanying this urge to be alone is one muvvafukka of a stomach bug - hello up all night with a fever and vomit. Oh yes, i'm sexy like that. I'll be back in school by tomorrow though i'm sure, got a lot to think about.
Until next time, au revoir mon cheris. Or whatever it is in that language I wish I speak.
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Monday, 15 February 2010
i think i need to say
you worry that you're getting more distant from people and yet it's all your own doing. I know you'll read this, and instantly know who you are. Perhaps I should just say this to your face, but I don't want to have an argument about it. I just want you to know, really. Know that I don't feel half as close to you as I used to. That I don't consider myself one of your most important people anymore and that the word 'boyment' wouldn't even cover it. I'm tired of playing second best and never being enough company. I know you genuinely don't mean to do it, don't see the damage you're doing. But to be honest i'm pretty sick of having to make all the effort all of the time. There are other people I enjoy spending time with, who I talk to far more than you, and I think maybe it's time we started going other ways. I know we'll stay close because of school but I don't think you're going to instantly be the person I think of when i'm wondering who to to go town or the cinema with. I just think about how close we use to be, how high we placed each other in our lives and it just isn't the same anymore. When was the last time we went to town and you didn't feel the need to go see him? Or call him? Why can we not just spend one night without ending up hanging out with him? I understand you want to to see him but i'm tired of my company never being enough. Clearly if he isn't there it isn't worth the effort, so i'm going to stop making the effort. We can just hang out at school and parties and stuff I guess. I just think the times when we used to go on bike rides and hang out at each others houses is coming to an end.
If you think about it we've had a pretty good run, i'm just tired of being taken for granted all of the time. You figure i'll always be around no matter what, in those spare moments when you aren't seeing him. Well sorry I don't fancy waiting around for your scraps of attention. I hope he's enough, I think you'll read this and throw a bit of a paddy and vex and worry. You'll make a big new effort to spend time with me, and it'll last maybe two or three weeks but soon it'll just turn out like this again. I'm sorry, I don't like getting boyed. So, have fun I guess but don't expect to have your cake and eat it anymore.
If you think about it we've had a pretty good run, i'm just tired of being taken for granted all of the time. You figure i'll always be around no matter what, in those spare moments when you aren't seeing him. Well sorry I don't fancy waiting around for your scraps of attention. I hope he's enough, I think you'll read this and throw a bit of a paddy and vex and worry. You'll make a big new effort to spend time with me, and it'll last maybe two or three weeks but soon it'll just turn out like this again. I'm sorry, I don't like getting boyed. So, have fun I guess but don't expect to have your cake and eat it anymore.
Thursday, 11 February 2010
my heart goes huphup
isn't that just the sweetest? I make myself cak.
Moving on. A certain little something makes me very happy...
What's up my nerd dizzles?
Sometimes I wish I was really, really clever. Like really clever. So I could make groundbreaking discoveries and be a 'sexy scientist'. Bit of raunchy labatory times? Oh yes.
But no really. I do wish I had a bit more of a 'talented spark'. Then again I suppose when you're simply that clever, it must be a lonely world. I mean, it must constantly be like hanging out with a load of three year olds. Smarts wise. Saying that i've always enjoyed hanging out with little kids? Hm, perhaps the root of my problem has been found.
Bazinga!
Moving on. A certain little something makes me very happy...
What's up my nerd dizzles?Sometimes I wish I was really, really clever. Like really clever. So I could make groundbreaking discoveries and be a 'sexy scientist'. Bit of raunchy labatory times? Oh yes.
But no really. I do wish I had a bit more of a 'talented spark'. Then again I suppose when you're simply that clever, it must be a lonely world. I mean, it must constantly be like hanging out with a load of three year olds. Smarts wise. Saying that i've always enjoyed hanging out with little kids? Hm, perhaps the root of my problem has been found.
Bazinga!
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
mirror, mirror on the wall
Lately i've become very keen on 'improvement'. That's how I refer to it. 'Improvement'. Depressing isn't it? I don't mean in a healthy, emotional or mental sense. I've not taken up a new hobby or started a journal for all my 'feelings'. God forbid. No, I mean on a far more shallow sense. I've become so sick of standing next to my friend's and feeling like the ugly duckling, so i'm trying to become a bit more of a swan. I'm paying more attention to my skin, working on getting a new haircut and sorting out those roots. I'm not sure it's making much (any) of a difference though. I suppose you can't make a gourmet dinner out of a maccy d's? I don't mean to say I think i'm that unattractive, I mean I like to think I do okay for myself? I hope? It's just i'd like to become a bit more self-assured, work on the exterior to gain confidence in the interior. Maybe it's dumb. But if putting a little bit more effort in my daily doings makes me just a teency bit more ballsy then it'd be worth it. Because to be honest at the moment i'm being such a pussy about things. I know what I want, I just need to get off my ass and get it.
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