a beautiful 'what if'

Let's play at possibilities and make reality a game.

calm yoself foo'!

today I realised I have upset shoulders , well not upset exactly, just very stressed. They've been really hurting me recently and I was wondering what's up when it finally clicked - I sit there, all day long with my shoulders up around my ears. I can't say i've felt very overworked or tired lately, but maybe my body has? I get stomach aches a lot, my eyes are red and theres the angry shoulders. I think subconciously i'm a lot more bothered then I actually show.

Hm.

My body is in revolt, how very troubling. Looking forward to summer when all this kerfuffle is over once and for all. Weird to think though how five years of day in day out learning, working and improving will be judged by panic-filled 45 minute slots in the drafty school gymn. Under pressure, pushing down on me.

Oh whatever ;) It's practically the weekend and i'm sure a nice spot of drinking will put things right again. Wahey!

AWOL

Now let's be quite honest shall we. I am the type of person who has her phone on her at all times, if at home I will be in all probability on facebook and msn (well what if I miss that-person-I-don't-know, liking that facebook-group-I-don't-give-a-shit-about?), I cannot last even a walk home from town without calling a friend and thrive on the other person saying 'hi, how r u? :)' first. Even though people spelling are just 'r' drives me demented, and my addiction to emoticons (yes that's the name for those little smiley things you make out of colons - who knew?) is sickening.

Keeping all this in mind I suprised even myself with the change that came over me late saturday morning. I took up the always-offer of going to my dads for the weekend. A whole weekend away from friends and facebook (well, there is internet but it is cringily awful) and just spent playing crappy xbox games with the brother and explaining anime films to papa payne. We drove past this girls secondary school 'woodford county high school', and my mouth literally dropped open. After seeing bishops, sir freds, stanborough, monks walk etc. I thought I had a pretty good idea of what a non-private secondary school looks like. I guess I was wrong:
To be quite honest that photo doesn't even do it justice. I think it is one of the most stunning places I have ever seen, and it is about three seconds from my dads house. You would think somewhere like this would be in the middle of nowhere, but walk out of the gates and across the road is a waitrose, and theres all your normal high street shops and a train station. It is bang in the middle of woodford, and yet it is so uncompromised. I don't know what has come over me, a big bitchslap of 'what if'? What if I had chosen to live with my dad, had ended up going to this school, like I would have done in that situation. As a person who on a whole doesn't have a lot of regrets, doesn't wish to be somebody else very often (well more often than usual), I can't help but feel an ache. An ache for this beautiful place which isn't a few minutes from a grotty subway where girls get kidnapped, or a huge asda, where you look out the window and there isn't a block of ugly flats with towels and old undies hanging out the window.

The sad thing is, I think I would give up everything I have now, my school and my friends (well pretty much, I could see everybody on weekends though I suppose) for this place. This place I have never entered, know only what can be gleaned from the website about. I'd even have to give up living with my mum.

Eight days. I have eight days to send off an application. Tick tock, tick tock.



On retrospect i've really gone off topic with this post! Blimey. All I was going to say was how my phones run out of battery (i'm not charging it, big fat case of the CBAs), only glimpsed at facebook and finding the idea of going on msn fairly repulsive. Thus the title of this post - AWOL. I am quite sure that in the unlikelihood anybody has noticed i'm missing, i'm sure they'll manage just fine. I've just suddenly had the strangest urge to just be alone. I suppose i'm lucky in the respect that accompanying this urge to be alone is one muvvafukka of a stomach bug - hello up all night with a fever and vomit. Oh yes, i'm sexy like that. I'll be back in school by tomorrow though i'm sure, got a lot to think about.

Until next time, au revoir mon cheris. Or whatever it is in that language I wish I speak.

I hate

conversations that solve nothing. Just more tears.

i think i need to say

you worry that you're getting more distant from people and yet it's all your own doing. I know you'll read this, and instantly know who you are. Perhaps I should just say this to your face, but I don't want to have an argument about it. I just want you to know, really. Know that I don't feel half as close to you as I used to. That I don't consider myself one of your most important people anymore and that the word 'boyment' wouldn't even cover it. I'm tired of playing second best and never being enough company. I know you genuinely don't mean to do it, don't see the damage you're doing. But to be honest i'm pretty sick of having to make all the effort all of the time. There are other people I enjoy spending time with, who I talk to far more than you, and I think maybe it's time we started going other ways. I know we'll stay close because of school but I don't think you're going to instantly be the person I think of when i'm wondering who to to go town or the cinema with. I just think about how close we use to be, how high we placed each other in our lives and it just isn't the same anymore. When was the last time we went to town and you didn't feel the need to go see him? Or call him? Why can we not just spend one night without ending up hanging out with him? I understand you want to to see him but i'm tired of my company never being enough. Clearly if he isn't there it isn't worth the effort, so i'm going to stop making the effort. We can just hang out at school and parties and stuff I guess. I just think the times when we used to go on bike rides and hang out at each others houses is coming to an end.

If you think about it we've had a pretty good run, i'm just tired of being taken for granted all of the time. You figure i'll always be around no matter what, in those spare moments when you aren't seeing him. Well sorry I don't fancy waiting around for your scraps of attention. I hope he's enough, I think you'll read this and throw a bit of a paddy and vex and worry. You'll make a big new effort to spend time with me, and it'll last maybe two or three weeks but soon it'll just turn out like this again. I'm sorry, I don't like getting boyed. So, have fun I guess but don't expect to have your cake and eat it anymore.

my heart goes huphup

isn't that just the sweetest? I make myself cak.

Moving on. A certain little something makes me very happy...

What's up my nerd dizzles?

Sometimes I wish I was really, really clever. Like really clever. So I could make groundbreaking discoveries and be a 'sexy scientist'. Bit of raunchy labatory times? Oh yes.

But no really. I do wish I had a bit more of a 'talented spark'. Then again I suppose when you're simply that clever, it must be a lonely world. I mean, it must constantly be like hanging out with a load of three year olds. Smarts wise. Saying that i've always enjoyed hanging out with little kids? Hm, perhaps the root of my problem has been found.

Bazinga!

mirror, mirror on the wall

Lately i've become very keen on 'improvement'. That's how I refer to it. 'Improvement'. Depressing isn't it? I don't mean in a healthy, emotional or mental sense. I've not taken up a new hobby or started a journal for all my 'feelings'. God forbid. No, I mean on a far more shallow sense. I've become so sick of standing next to my friend's and feeling like the ugly duckling, so i'm trying to become a bit more of a swan. I'm paying more attention to my skin, working on getting a new haircut and sorting out those roots. I'm not sure it's making much (any) of a difference though. I suppose you can't make a gourmet dinner out of a maccy d's? I don't mean to say I think i'm that unattractive, I mean I like to think I do okay for myself? I hope? It's just i'd like to become a bit more self-assured, work on the exterior to gain confidence in the interior. Maybe it's dumb. But if putting a little bit more effort in my daily doings makes me just a teency bit more ballsy then it'd be worth it. Because to be honest at the moment i'm being such a pussy about things. I know what I want, I just need to get off my ass and get it.

eve, eat your heart out baby.

That whole Adam and Eve story always pissed me off. So, some snake comes along and convinces Eve to take a bite of this apple, yes? Then Adam sees this tasty fruit action and get's in on it, and suddenly its Eve's fault? Did she force the apple down his throat? No i'm pretty sure she didn't. And yet for centuries, upon centuries, upon forever people have held this up as an excuse of women effing it up for everybody else in the world. Listen mate, when you squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of your nostril, then you can start whining. Until then keep it schtum or i'll have to get a little crazy - and afterwards feel free to blame it on hormones. Though you'll have to be typing it, Steven Hawkins-stylie, because you'll have my foot so far up your ass it kicks you in the brain.

God, i'm a charmer.

you make me so angry I am literally shaking. You think you're completely in control of the situation, that he is so perfect he could not possibly, be the asshole every single person you know has said he is. There is no smoke without fire and that's a fuck load of smoke you have on your hands. I understand that you want to believe in him, that things would just be so much nicer if all these rumours were untrue. But let's face the facts shall we? He is not the person you want him to be. He will never be the person you want him to be. The fact that you think you're in love with him is, frankly my dear, laughable. As a person who spent over a year nurturing the same romance, with one of the most decent guys I have ever met, I like to think I got pretty damn close to love. It isn't never seeing somebody except for a rough fumble of clothes, and awkward silences. It isn't being told he regrets breaking up with his ex. It isn't having everybody whisper behind your back at what the hell you're doing. I'm not sure how to describe it, but you can recognise it in others quite easily. I've never seen anything resembling it in you. I know my words seem harsh, and perhaps they are, but i've tried to be nice about this. I've tried to convince you with soft words and patient explanations, and it isn't working. I do it because I care, not out of spite.

But now, I give up. When he breaks your heart, and you have all of welwyn garden city laughing and saying 'I told you so' don't expect me to pick up the pieces.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.


He's fooled you far more than twice. He's fooled you every single day of your relationship. Now don't you feel silly.

crafty little fox

Betrayal, when fairly deserved, is like a bitter medicine the victim must swallow and accept. They may not like the taste of it, but in the long run it will heal things - be it broken hearts or friendships. Revenge may be cruel at times, but it is a necessary part of life. Betrayal, however, when unprovoked is a different matter. It goes from being a dirty device necessary to clean the ills of memories past, like a knife removing an infected limb - a movement to protect the body as a whole - and becomes something malicious and spiteful. This kind of betrayal once performed is like dropping a pebble in a pond, it sends out ripples of discontent that carry for an eternity. It goes from being a simple matter of gaining a level of playing field and becomes something twisted and bitter, that an endless number of friendly lunchtime chats and exciting nights out can ever cure. The back that has been stabbed never forgets. I never forget.

Karma baby, it'll come back and bite you in the ass.

trunky, junky love.

If you need any proof that true love is out there, it's to be found not in the pages of a cheap romance novel or the smile of a chick flict actor but all around us.

In a zoo in India a female elephant watched her cage mate die while giving birth to a stillborn calf. She stood stock still for a long time until her legs eventually gave way. For three weeks she lay in one spot with her trunk curled up, her ears drooping and her eyes moist. No matter how hard they tried, her keepers could not persuade her to eat. They watched her slowly starve herself to death.

The female crab has an impenetrable shell, she is so hard on the outside and yet so soft within. There is no possible point of access. The male crab must wait a whole year until the female decides to shed her shell to grow a new one. And it is only at that moment of vulnerability that the patient crab can triumph in his love.

Every year the Artic Tern undertakes an epic love journey. After sojourning in the Antartic it circumnavigates the globe to breed in the Artic.


Inspiration is to be found everywhere, it is simply a matter of looking for it.

A bit soppy? Perhaps, but it is nearing Valentines Day and a girl is allowed to get a little doe eyed.

my hero.

would you have the guts to say, I don't love you, like I loved you, yesterday.

Oh sweet MCR, you guilty pleasure. Terribly greeby, and not the coolest of bands but I find your teenage angsty melodies kind of comforting. So many of your songs sound like one big 'Fuck You.' and I love it. I hope you do come to Reading, because I would be right there, elbowing neon-socks wearing, too-much-eyeliner emo kids out of the way.

Recently i've felt a renewed passion for the bands I really enjoyed a few years ago, Fall Out Boy, Blink 182, Good Charlotte. Listening to you again is like reliving a thousand nostalgic memories, I feel transported back to the person I was there. It's nice. Like taking a trip back to simpler days perhaps.

Seeing bands like this at Reading in the summer will be amazing, meeting the me I was then with the me I am now, so next time I listen to them i'll have even more memories to look back upon. Here's to an exciting summer, and a host of new 'Do You Remember When?'s.

the first rule of fight club, is you do not talk about fight club.

thanks to a silly slip of the tongue, and then a wavering confidence my previous blog was deleted.

I think perhaps this was for the best. I was getting too deep with it. People like to know more about you, but they don't want to know the real you. Gosh no, that'd be frightening. And perhaps letting people in that far should be saved for something more intimate then a stark computer screen.

Anyway the point being i'm going to strive to be a little lighter this time round. Instead of throwing everybody in at the deep end, they can paddle in the puddle. Much more pleasant, don't you think?

Now how to start something I will spend at least two hours of my week editing and contributing towards? I think a quote would be nice, i'm sure you'd agree. This one is something that particularly rings with me, people forget that you can be 5"3 and smile more than you should but still know how to punch. Just something to keep in mind.

"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me. "