so full of anger

i'm trembling. I scare even myself with the force of the emotion. I'm furious, I want to smash things and I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I keep jumping from a sort of righteous joy to a sickening feeling of regret, terrified i've made the wrong decision, that i'll miss what i can no longer have. Got to be strong, got to ignore the urge to crawl back on my belly, to try and make things right. Full of a disgusting self-pity, a big space in my chest that makes me sigh often and deeply. And underneath it all this anger, this burning, hateful anger. I just want everything to be what it was an hour before, but then do I? Such confusion. Such anger. So I tremble.

Sandcreatures in the City 2

Oh sweet jesus, what is wrong with their faces? SJP looks like she's about to cast a spell, Kim Cattrall has been posessed by Michael Jackson's ghost and Kristin Davis has become a flid. Poor Cynthia Nixon is just trying to shift out of the frame, before her face is eaten or she's impregnated with a demon baby or something.

It's fair to say, looking at this I fear for my life.

And yet I can't stop looking, all that swirly fabric......

It's funny how much you begin to care about fictional characters, about people pretending to be what they aren't, because that's all actors are really - very good liars. You cry when Jack dies in Titanic, tears drip down your cheeks when Simba's father dies and when Tom Hank dies in Philadelphia your world darkens for just a few minutes. It's silly really, they aren't real, their heartbreak and hardships don't really happen and after it all you can just switch over and pretend it never happened.

But still. They do matter, don't ask my why but they do.

I think that's a really good thing. That we, humans that is, are capable of caring so much about something that isn't even real. That just the idea of somebody going through so much pain is capable of bringing us to tears. I hope we never lose that side to us, humankind. Makes up for all the shit we put this world through.

my legs are burning

and I stink of chlorine, and I feel like I could fall to sleep right this second - but i'm very happy. I've had a day that i've dreaded for weeks, and it went to much better than I thought, and I ended it by doing something that I enjoy with somebody i'm close to. I don't think things get much better then that, do you? So even though I am close to chopping off my limbs and becoming a sexy flid, I am in a very good mood.



I hope I can keep this up into the weekend.



Oh, what do you think of my new costume idea for taras?

Ah, my little darling, it is love at first sight, is it not, no?

i'm a little bit lost without you

...and i'm a bloody big mess inside.

don't you think it's strange, how you never forget? never, never, never.

it just hurts a little less.

You pikachu'd me off.

I hate it when you don't have the right to be angry as such, but you are all the same. But you can't even vent that anger because you aren't meant to be angry! It's all just a vicious circle ending in me violently tapping at my gameboy and mocking my pokemon. Don't worry pokemon, it isn't your fault. Social dynamics is simply turning me into a bitter, gameboy-bashing hermit. Bloody society.

I didn't write you a love song...

...because let's be honest, you're a jackass ;)

this isn't even aimed at anybody, I just fancied writing a 'fuck you' post. So sue me.

weheartgenius

” In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.”

I hate it when you wake up from a really good dream, and for the first two seconds your life is different - better - and then you remember. It's just a little bit heartbreaking.

giving up the gun?

somebody buy me the new Vampire Weekend album. pleasepleasepleaseplease.

Something I really enjoy about this band, I can't even pinpoint it. Each song sounds very different to me, but with that same playful VW aspect that makes it good. It's fun to listen to I guess, clangy and joyful.

ARHGHQGHGHHH!

i'm so angry and so frustrated my face looks like this:

I'm not even joking that's the thing. I don't understand how you can be so utterly blind to the truth and so pathetic about something like this. You only get to be a teenager once, why waste precious months mooning over somebody who, frankly, if he was on fire I wouldn't even piss on him. I wouldn't even use him as an asswipe, nettles seem more appealing.

I only get so angry because for some absured reason i do care quite a lot actually! I hate seeing you mucked about, and taking it like a 'suprise visit' in a jailhouse shower stall.

I decided to vent my anger more healthily:

...by pretending my fury for you is a spider that I am victoriously squashing under foot.


I'm practically my own therapist, top that baby Jeremy Kyle.

a lovely medley

of random lovelies. Just a few pics that made me smile ;)

First up (drum roll please)...

Now don't even try to tell me that isn't one of the best things you have ever seen in your life. It's a mouse, THAT LOOKS LIKE PIKACHU. I think this might actually be my ideal pet, it's cute, minature and pokemon-esque. Exactly what I look for in a companion.

Is it just me, or is Artie from Glee actually quite hot? Take off the glasses, spruce up the hair and clothes, welllll hello there. I mean he isn't drop dead gorgeous but I wouldn't mind singing a duet with him sometime ;) winkwinknudgenudgehohoho.

I love this because this is one of those situations that everybody goes through, you have a lovely neat piece of paper and you just want to get the messy border bit off...and you're concentrating so hard...AND THEN IT RIPS. That is actually the biggest FML going, let's be honest. So yes whoever made this, I salute you.

This is simply because this boy (whoever he may be) is adorable. And I am of the opinion that a goodlooking face is vital to getting one through the day. Don't lie you, you know you agree.


So yes! A few things that have jammed a sloppy grin on my mug today.

I decided, after so thoroughly enjoying Hyperbole and a Half during chemistry today, I thought "hey you know what, i'm going to do my own paint-job montage in it's honour." Turns out though, it's harder to think of things you'd like to 'comic strip' then you'd think. Finally I settled on a recent heartfelt battle of mine with all that is good and pure in the world.

Yes, i'm talking Leona Lewis.

It all started with my recent purchase of FFXIII (to you non-geeks out there, that's the latest Final Fantasy game), only to discover the 'theme tune' to the game is none other than Leona Lewis' 'My Hands'. Naturally my reaction went something like this:

One hour into the game.


Gorgeous yeah? I made special effort with the brows. Caterpillltastic. Anyway, it's fair to say I was pretty appaulled, not being the greatest fan. She just generally gets on my nerves with her absence of personality and tampon-advert songs..."I keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding" That's nice love, now shutttt it. I began playing, relishing the corny characters and fancy special effects, the song kept popping up...
Two hours into the game.

I tried to hold back the vomit best I could...

Three hours into the Game

But it just wouldn't stop...

Four hours into the game

It was a battle of wills. Me, versus Leona. Who could hold out the longest?

Fifth hour of game play

The urge to hum grew strong in me. I was succumbing to all those flashy images, my hands covered in a thin layer of greasy controller sweat and I was developing a twitch in my eye. Nobody ever said war was pretty.

Six hours into game play

Like Ginger in Black Beauty when that asshole rides her too fast and her chest gets all blotchy - my spirit was broken. I just couldn't hold out against Leona's caramel smooth mindfucks any longer.

Seven hours into game play

...and the battle was lost. As my younger brother Leo will tell you, I was making a "bloody racket." I wouldn't even say I was still human, but something darker. Part xfactorpophitradiooneloving, part leonatron.

Watch out. First she gets the geeks, then she comes for the rest of you.

You've been warned.

P.S And with that Leo's just got off the xbox so i'm off! ;) gonnnnna have me some Leona lovin' FFXIII funtime.

I took a risk

today, one that I wouldn't usually make.

It failed, and I felt silly and stupid.





But I didn't regret it. Because I know if I hadn't have done it then I would've wondered what would've happened if I had. Funny how things work like that. My cheeks are red, but I can go to sleep with a smile. I'm going to keep doing my best.

seen the life i've had can make a good man go bad
so once in my life let me get what i want
lord knows it'd be the first time.

please please please let me let me get what i want.


Spent an hour or so last night furiously scribbling down quotes on a notepad of paper. Trying to capture an essence of what inspires the greatest of us, rub some of it off on me.

I've been looking up more than usual.

Maybe it worked?

Lifes not about weathering the storm, but learning to dance in the rain.

Today I am at an extreme loose end so i'm going to post about something irrelevant and be done with it.

Adverts

Why are they so shit? I must spend an unreasonable amount of my waking hours plastered against the telly screen, burying myself under american sit coms and soaps, so I like to think I am an expert now ;) I really want to know what goes through peoples mindsets when they design/shoot/give birth to these monstrosities of advertising. They're either:

a) Foreign. Weird voices badly dubbed over ectstatic 'pretty people' spazzzzing over how shiny their cooker is.
b) Boring. I don't want to hear about buildingmarriageinsurance claims. Espescially not when it's all told to me by a wrinkly prune in a M&S suit and covered in a thick layer of powdery foundation.
c) Bizarre. How does a gigantic, dancing lemur make me want to buy a car?
d) Annoying. Why would some washed-up movie star with cheeks like Jack Skeleton make me want to eat yoghurt?
e) Gross. Please stop discussing the problems you have with your poop, you haggle of harpies. You're ripping off Sec & The City too. Bastards.
f) Depressing. WHO WOULD DO THAT TO A DOG. Leave it by the wayside? Well at least Rufus/Molly/Buster has made some lovely new friends and is looking all glossy. I'll send my quid off straightaway.
g) A fail. "Who'd wanna have sex with you now? Your pathetic." Nuff said.

So there you are! You are so welcome for this enlightenment.

Time well spent ;)

first wives club

bittered, heartbroken, friends to the end.

i hope i have people like this in my life when i'm their age, and still have so much fight in me. to say, hey you know what? treat me like trash and I will fuck you over.

You don't need money, or intelligence to get your own back. just the guts to never say never.

keenkeenkeen

can'twaitcan'twaitcan'twaitcan'twait.



tweedledum and dee. oh what fun we shall have, can'twait.



On another note, watched Stardust last night! Was very pleasantly suprised, even though Robert Di Nero (is that how you spell it? It's how you say it and that's good enough) playing a verrrrry metrosexual pirate was a little frightening. On the whole though I really did enjoy it! Lots of swashbuckling, fantasy-filled funtime. Glad I skipped history homework for it ;)

so tired

-of coursework
-of heartache
-of stress
-of laddered tights
-of no money
-of rehearsals I love and hate equally.
-of being a coward
-of letting that chance slip through my fingers
-of dissapointment


fuck it.

feelo and effics.

Today I realised again quite how much i'm looking forwards to doing philosophy and ethics next year, at first I was a little unsure, I mean everybody sees it as just one of those lessons you fuck about in right? But i'm actually genuinely really interested in it. Recently somebody decided not to do a certain topic for their english oral simply because I might contest that view, and I don't know, argue them down. It really upset me actually, I know i'm opinionated but I never want to be the person people are afraid of saying certain things in front of in case they go off on one. I know those people and I hate it. I'll have to be careful to be less enthusiastic with my arguing perhaps, I forget not everybody is so strongly decided in their views as I am. I can't help it, I know my mind and i'd happily fight all day long if that was what it took to defend my opinions.

Earlier we were arguing about whether tthe media has a right to criticise religion, and I really enjoyed it. It's nice getting different perspectives, even if they don't necessarily agree with yours. As a person who is set on going into journalism, the freedom of the media is pretty important to me. I can understand where others who disagree with me are coming from but I simply can't accept their views.

I have the right to say whatever I damn want about whatever I damn want as long as I am respectful and it's within reason. Nothing will ever change if you don't contest it, simply saying 'oh but people will get offended if you criticise that' is weak. Beliefs, religious or not, are made to be tested and a true believer will welcome criticism not reject it - afraid of what might be said. When I grow up, and become a journalist (well, fingers crossed) I am going to write about everything I feel deserves to be written about, things people should be informed about, not curb my tongue in case I step on other people's toes.

That's not how I want to live my life i'm afraid.

Ahh, I love philosophy and ethics. Different views and different ways of thinking defines who we are, what could be better than studying that?



On another note, I really love black and white photography.

a beautiful 'what if'

Let's play at possibilities and make reality a game.

calm yoself foo'!

today I realised I have upset shoulders , well not upset exactly, just very stressed. They've been really hurting me recently and I was wondering what's up when it finally clicked - I sit there, all day long with my shoulders up around my ears. I can't say i've felt very overworked or tired lately, but maybe my body has? I get stomach aches a lot, my eyes are red and theres the angry shoulders. I think subconciously i'm a lot more bothered then I actually show.

Hm.

My body is in revolt, how very troubling. Looking forward to summer when all this kerfuffle is over once and for all. Weird to think though how five years of day in day out learning, working and improving will be judged by panic-filled 45 minute slots in the drafty school gymn. Under pressure, pushing down on me.

Oh whatever ;) It's practically the weekend and i'm sure a nice spot of drinking will put things right again. Wahey!

AWOL

Now let's be quite honest shall we. I am the type of person who has her phone on her at all times, if at home I will be in all probability on facebook and msn (well what if I miss that-person-I-don't-know, liking that facebook-group-I-don't-give-a-shit-about?), I cannot last even a walk home from town without calling a friend and thrive on the other person saying 'hi, how r u? :)' first. Even though people spelling are just 'r' drives me demented, and my addiction to emoticons (yes that's the name for those little smiley things you make out of colons - who knew?) is sickening.

Keeping all this in mind I suprised even myself with the change that came over me late saturday morning. I took up the always-offer of going to my dads for the weekend. A whole weekend away from friends and facebook (well, there is internet but it is cringily awful) and just spent playing crappy xbox games with the brother and explaining anime films to papa payne. We drove past this girls secondary school 'woodford county high school', and my mouth literally dropped open. After seeing bishops, sir freds, stanborough, monks walk etc. I thought I had a pretty good idea of what a non-private secondary school looks like. I guess I was wrong:
To be quite honest that photo doesn't even do it justice. I think it is one of the most stunning places I have ever seen, and it is about three seconds from my dads house. You would think somewhere like this would be in the middle of nowhere, but walk out of the gates and across the road is a waitrose, and theres all your normal high street shops and a train station. It is bang in the middle of woodford, and yet it is so uncompromised. I don't know what has come over me, a big bitchslap of 'what if'? What if I had chosen to live with my dad, had ended up going to this school, like I would have done in that situation. As a person who on a whole doesn't have a lot of regrets, doesn't wish to be somebody else very often (well more often than usual), I can't help but feel an ache. An ache for this beautiful place which isn't a few minutes from a grotty subway where girls get kidnapped, or a huge asda, where you look out the window and there isn't a block of ugly flats with towels and old undies hanging out the window.

The sad thing is, I think I would give up everything I have now, my school and my friends (well pretty much, I could see everybody on weekends though I suppose) for this place. This place I have never entered, know only what can be gleaned from the website about. I'd even have to give up living with my mum.

Eight days. I have eight days to send off an application. Tick tock, tick tock.



On retrospect i've really gone off topic with this post! Blimey. All I was going to say was how my phones run out of battery (i'm not charging it, big fat case of the CBAs), only glimpsed at facebook and finding the idea of going on msn fairly repulsive. Thus the title of this post - AWOL. I am quite sure that in the unlikelihood anybody has noticed i'm missing, i'm sure they'll manage just fine. I've just suddenly had the strangest urge to just be alone. I suppose i'm lucky in the respect that accompanying this urge to be alone is one muvvafukka of a stomach bug - hello up all night with a fever and vomit. Oh yes, i'm sexy like that. I'll be back in school by tomorrow though i'm sure, got a lot to think about.

Until next time, au revoir mon cheris. Or whatever it is in that language I wish I speak.

I hate

conversations that solve nothing. Just more tears.

i think i need to say

you worry that you're getting more distant from people and yet it's all your own doing. I know you'll read this, and instantly know who you are. Perhaps I should just say this to your face, but I don't want to have an argument about it. I just want you to know, really. Know that I don't feel half as close to you as I used to. That I don't consider myself one of your most important people anymore and that the word 'boyment' wouldn't even cover it. I'm tired of playing second best and never being enough company. I know you genuinely don't mean to do it, don't see the damage you're doing. But to be honest i'm pretty sick of having to make all the effort all of the time. There are other people I enjoy spending time with, who I talk to far more than you, and I think maybe it's time we started going other ways. I know we'll stay close because of school but I don't think you're going to instantly be the person I think of when i'm wondering who to to go town or the cinema with. I just think about how close we use to be, how high we placed each other in our lives and it just isn't the same anymore. When was the last time we went to town and you didn't feel the need to go see him? Or call him? Why can we not just spend one night without ending up hanging out with him? I understand you want to to see him but i'm tired of my company never being enough. Clearly if he isn't there it isn't worth the effort, so i'm going to stop making the effort. We can just hang out at school and parties and stuff I guess. I just think the times when we used to go on bike rides and hang out at each others houses is coming to an end.

If you think about it we've had a pretty good run, i'm just tired of being taken for granted all of the time. You figure i'll always be around no matter what, in those spare moments when you aren't seeing him. Well sorry I don't fancy waiting around for your scraps of attention. I hope he's enough, I think you'll read this and throw a bit of a paddy and vex and worry. You'll make a big new effort to spend time with me, and it'll last maybe two or three weeks but soon it'll just turn out like this again. I'm sorry, I don't like getting boyed. So, have fun I guess but don't expect to have your cake and eat it anymore.

my heart goes huphup

isn't that just the sweetest? I make myself cak.

Moving on. A certain little something makes me very happy...

What's up my nerd dizzles?

Sometimes I wish I was really, really clever. Like really clever. So I could make groundbreaking discoveries and be a 'sexy scientist'. Bit of raunchy labatory times? Oh yes.

But no really. I do wish I had a bit more of a 'talented spark'. Then again I suppose when you're simply that clever, it must be a lonely world. I mean, it must constantly be like hanging out with a load of three year olds. Smarts wise. Saying that i've always enjoyed hanging out with little kids? Hm, perhaps the root of my problem has been found.

Bazinga!

mirror, mirror on the wall

Lately i've become very keen on 'improvement'. That's how I refer to it. 'Improvement'. Depressing isn't it? I don't mean in a healthy, emotional or mental sense. I've not taken up a new hobby or started a journal for all my 'feelings'. God forbid. No, I mean on a far more shallow sense. I've become so sick of standing next to my friend's and feeling like the ugly duckling, so i'm trying to become a bit more of a swan. I'm paying more attention to my skin, working on getting a new haircut and sorting out those roots. I'm not sure it's making much (any) of a difference though. I suppose you can't make a gourmet dinner out of a maccy d's? I don't mean to say I think i'm that unattractive, I mean I like to think I do okay for myself? I hope? It's just i'd like to become a bit more self-assured, work on the exterior to gain confidence in the interior. Maybe it's dumb. But if putting a little bit more effort in my daily doings makes me just a teency bit more ballsy then it'd be worth it. Because to be honest at the moment i'm being such a pussy about things. I know what I want, I just need to get off my ass and get it.

eve, eat your heart out baby.

That whole Adam and Eve story always pissed me off. So, some snake comes along and convinces Eve to take a bite of this apple, yes? Then Adam sees this tasty fruit action and get's in on it, and suddenly its Eve's fault? Did she force the apple down his throat? No i'm pretty sure she didn't. And yet for centuries, upon centuries, upon forever people have held this up as an excuse of women effing it up for everybody else in the world. Listen mate, when you squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of your nostril, then you can start whining. Until then keep it schtum or i'll have to get a little crazy - and afterwards feel free to blame it on hormones. Though you'll have to be typing it, Steven Hawkins-stylie, because you'll have my foot so far up your ass it kicks you in the brain.

God, i'm a charmer.

you make me so angry I am literally shaking. You think you're completely in control of the situation, that he is so perfect he could not possibly, be the asshole every single person you know has said he is. There is no smoke without fire and that's a fuck load of smoke you have on your hands. I understand that you want to believe in him, that things would just be so much nicer if all these rumours were untrue. But let's face the facts shall we? He is not the person you want him to be. He will never be the person you want him to be. The fact that you think you're in love with him is, frankly my dear, laughable. As a person who spent over a year nurturing the same romance, with one of the most decent guys I have ever met, I like to think I got pretty damn close to love. It isn't never seeing somebody except for a rough fumble of clothes, and awkward silences. It isn't being told he regrets breaking up with his ex. It isn't having everybody whisper behind your back at what the hell you're doing. I'm not sure how to describe it, but you can recognise it in others quite easily. I've never seen anything resembling it in you. I know my words seem harsh, and perhaps they are, but i've tried to be nice about this. I've tried to convince you with soft words and patient explanations, and it isn't working. I do it because I care, not out of spite.

But now, I give up. When he breaks your heart, and you have all of welwyn garden city laughing and saying 'I told you so' don't expect me to pick up the pieces.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.


He's fooled you far more than twice. He's fooled you every single day of your relationship. Now don't you feel silly.

crafty little fox

Betrayal, when fairly deserved, is like a bitter medicine the victim must swallow and accept. They may not like the taste of it, but in the long run it will heal things - be it broken hearts or friendships. Revenge may be cruel at times, but it is a necessary part of life. Betrayal, however, when unprovoked is a different matter. It goes from being a dirty device necessary to clean the ills of memories past, like a knife removing an infected limb - a movement to protect the body as a whole - and becomes something malicious and spiteful. This kind of betrayal once performed is like dropping a pebble in a pond, it sends out ripples of discontent that carry for an eternity. It goes from being a simple matter of gaining a level of playing field and becomes something twisted and bitter, that an endless number of friendly lunchtime chats and exciting nights out can ever cure. The back that has been stabbed never forgets. I never forget.

Karma baby, it'll come back and bite you in the ass.

trunky, junky love.

If you need any proof that true love is out there, it's to be found not in the pages of a cheap romance novel or the smile of a chick flict actor but all around us.

In a zoo in India a female elephant watched her cage mate die while giving birth to a stillborn calf. She stood stock still for a long time until her legs eventually gave way. For three weeks she lay in one spot with her trunk curled up, her ears drooping and her eyes moist. No matter how hard they tried, her keepers could not persuade her to eat. They watched her slowly starve herself to death.

The female crab has an impenetrable shell, she is so hard on the outside and yet so soft within. There is no possible point of access. The male crab must wait a whole year until the female decides to shed her shell to grow a new one. And it is only at that moment of vulnerability that the patient crab can triumph in his love.

Every year the Artic Tern undertakes an epic love journey. After sojourning in the Antartic it circumnavigates the globe to breed in the Artic.


Inspiration is to be found everywhere, it is simply a matter of looking for it.

A bit soppy? Perhaps, but it is nearing Valentines Day and a girl is allowed to get a little doe eyed.

my hero.

would you have the guts to say, I don't love you, like I loved you, yesterday.

Oh sweet MCR, you guilty pleasure. Terribly greeby, and not the coolest of bands but I find your teenage angsty melodies kind of comforting. So many of your songs sound like one big 'Fuck You.' and I love it. I hope you do come to Reading, because I would be right there, elbowing neon-socks wearing, too-much-eyeliner emo kids out of the way.

Recently i've felt a renewed passion for the bands I really enjoyed a few years ago, Fall Out Boy, Blink 182, Good Charlotte. Listening to you again is like reliving a thousand nostalgic memories, I feel transported back to the person I was there. It's nice. Like taking a trip back to simpler days perhaps.

Seeing bands like this at Reading in the summer will be amazing, meeting the me I was then with the me I am now, so next time I listen to them i'll have even more memories to look back upon. Here's to an exciting summer, and a host of new 'Do You Remember When?'s.

the first rule of fight club, is you do not talk about fight club.

thanks to a silly slip of the tongue, and then a wavering confidence my previous blog was deleted.

I think perhaps this was for the best. I was getting too deep with it. People like to know more about you, but they don't want to know the real you. Gosh no, that'd be frightening. And perhaps letting people in that far should be saved for something more intimate then a stark computer screen.

Anyway the point being i'm going to strive to be a little lighter this time round. Instead of throwing everybody in at the deep end, they can paddle in the puddle. Much more pleasant, don't you think?

Now how to start something I will spend at least two hours of my week editing and contributing towards? I think a quote would be nice, i'm sure you'd agree. This one is something that particularly rings with me, people forget that you can be 5"3 and smile more than you should but still know how to punch. Just something to keep in mind.

"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me. "